Many of us are in mourning this Easter — for our old way of life or for those who have left it, all swept away in the pandemic. In these troubled times, may you find comfort and purpose in remembering that, in Jesus, the darkness truly does precede the dawn, that dying is a prelude to resurrection. What could seem like a crass and empty cliché becomes exactly the opposite in light Jesus’ defeat on the cross of the power of sin and darkness. As we wait expectantly for the “already but not yet” of the new creation, what new life will emerge from the ashes of the coronavirus?
As you experience this Easter meditation, our prayer is that the story of the risen Christ will bring you peace and hope during a time of stress and anxiety. Don’t fear, there is Good News ahead of us!
– Written by Janine Rohrer and Carrie Myers. Voiceover and music by David Buchs.
This coming week, my church’s Biblical Dating in the Digital Age series will focus on “Dating and the Church of God” – or how a love relationship between a man and a woman that starts with dating will eventually become, in marriage, a visible sign of the invisible grace of God: the relationship between Christ and his bride, the Church.
At the same time as the series has been running, my husband and I have been co-leading a premarital counseling course for several couples that are approaching marriage. The bulk of our course is based on research from the Gottman Institute. Researchers there have been taking a scientific approach to the study of marriage (and divorce) for the past twenty years. Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, is based on those insights, which include an over 90% ability to predict a couple’s eventual divorce simply by the way they react to each other over the course of a normal conversation or day spent together. Many of these insights, though discovered in the context of marriage, are also applicable to dating.
One of the most helpful insights Gottman uncovered is this: Couples are going to argue. Expect it. In fact, 69% of conflicts between even happy couples are what he terms “Unsolvable.” In other words, they are issues that may appear surface and temporary, but at root are core differences in temperament, values, and beliefs that are not going to go away. Ever. What’s key is not whether you fight, it’s how.
So what’s a dating or married couple to do when faced with the billionth fight over the same topic, whether it’s the frequency of date night, someone’s inability to buy good gifts, or who gets to wield the remote?
Simple. (Sort of.) You realize that you, buddy, are not going to win this one. Neither is your partner. Not completely. You recognize that you are two people who think differently about what’s important and you agree to disagree.
Let’s say, either while you are already married with kids, or while you are projecting your dating life into its possible future, you begin discussing holidays with the parents. You think it’s important to spend every Christmas with your parents, and your partner wants to take vacays to Disney with the kids. You are adamant that your family is the most important thing in your life and you want your kids to spend time with their grandparents. Your partner (who is as not as close to his or her parents) is equally adamant that getaways for your nuclear family will help cement your bond and create lasting memories. At the core, the two of you are fighting not about a holiday, but about definitions of family and priorities that you’ve been forming since childhood. Neither of your experiences or values is going to change.
You could fight about – or sweep under the rug – both the surface and the deeper issue every Christmas for the rest of your lives, and let the bitterness of the perpetual conflict – or perpetual repression – seep into the rest of your relationship. Or, you negotiate. You compromise. You find a middle ground in which neither of you is right, neither of you is wrong, and neither of you gets completely what you want. But both of you win.
You win because you’ve stopped an unsolvable disagreement from spilling into those areas of your life where are in accord. You’ve drained the toxin from a conflict that has the potential to poison your marriage. Now, you agree to spend most Christmases with the grandparents, but every third year you see them on Thanksgiving instead and head to the Magic Kingdom for Yuletide. Is either of you getting exactly what you want, every time? Nope. But both of you are getting some of what you want. Both of your needs and concerns are being valued. And you get to keep a healthy relationship. That’s the definition of a win-win.
(Just know that for me this is an imagined scenario only. In reality, I think I’d commit seppuku with a rusty nail clipper rather than be anywhere near Disney on Jesus’ birthday. I’m not anti-Disney, exactly. Just anti-peak holiday crowds, interminable lines, and exorbitant prices for a stupid sipper shaped like Mickey’s head that, btw, is both creepy and bad for the environment. Let me tell you: it’s exhausting to spend a whole day on your feet while feeling morally superior to the people you are elbowing out of your way.)
Remember, it’s a beautiful castle, but the wicked witch and her spinning wheel are hiding upstairs. (image from disneytouristblog.com)
That’s just one example of how couples might begin practicing the art of the “win-win” while they are still dating. Whether it’s who pays for those Broadway tickets or how many evenings you need to spend with just the two of you vs. hanging out with friends . . . find a way to negotiate. Give a little to get a little. It sounds manipulative, but it’s not. It’s practical. And it’s loving. You have a perspective that your partner needs. And your partner has a perspective that will help you grow into a fuller, richer person.
I’m not saying don’t have non-negotiables. I’m saying be realistic about how many you have. And ask yourself: If I bend on this a little, what am I losing? What am I gaining? What might my partner lose or gain?
You might gain years together. You might get a marriage as it was meant to be: two people who are willing to mutually sacrifice for the other’s good.
Or, on the flip side, you might decide your non-negotiables are exactly that and save yourself years of fruitless friction in a relationship that doesn’t allow you to express your authentic self, nor appreciate who your partner truly is.
Either way, it’s a win for both of you.
Find more resources for couples from the Gottman Institute on gottman.com
To follow Vineyard One’s Dating and God series, watch the sermon series on Facebook Live at 10:30 am EST, or at any time after the live stream concludes, or visit vineyardone.nyc.
In tribute to my church’s current series on God and Dating, I’m continuing to review some of the books I’ve read relating to love, romance, dating, and marriage.
Bachelor Nation: Inside the World of America’s Favorite Guilty Pleasure isn’t really about dating, in the sense that it’s not a “how-to” primer, the way The Four Man Plan, which I wrote about last week, is. But entertainment journalist and author Amy Kaufman definitely uncovers some of the secrets to making people feel the pulse-pounding onslaught of love (or maybe just lust) – whether or not they’re there for the “right reasons.”
Let it be said, right off the bat, that the Bachelor producers come off in this book as beyond Machiavellian. They make the author of The Prince, the scourge of the Medicis, look like a rank amateur. They are manipulative, scheming, ratings-grubbing, and drama-mongering. And they are obviously geniuses at what they do, because, well, we’re still watching.
An Actual Bachelor Producer
Well, I’m not. Anymore. Mostly because it’s faster for me to skim the recaps.
What were my “right reasons” for beginning to watch the voyeuristic marvel that is the Bachelor franchise? Way back in 2002, my husband and I had a new baby that Would. Not. Sleep. After four months of stumbling around like zombies on Ambien, we gave up and sleep-trained her – an esoteric process otherwise known as “let the baby cry herself to sleep, already!” The problem was, we were in a very small apartment and had nowhere to go away from the crying. So, we turned on the tv, and lo and behold! Like a light shining out on our desperate existence, there was Chris Harrison! And the Bachelor! And 25 Bachelorettes!
Reader, it was the distraction we needed. We were hooked like big, bug-eyed catfish and stayed hooked through the second season, when the lovely former cheerleader Trista graced our screen and flitted out with a proposal from Fireman Ryan, he of the sweetly terrible – I mean just horrendous – poetry. We watched their wedding, when the couple bizarrely decided they only needed to recite thirteen-and-a-half out of fourteen lines of Elizbeth Barrett Browning’s sonnet, “How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.”
People, you just cannot truncate a sonnet of its final couplet. It becomes a painfully unfinished thing. It’s like . . . if Pygmalion hadn’t wanted to bother with styling Galatea’s hair and just left her brainpan open. IT CANNOT BE DONE.
Etienne-Maurice Falconette, The Walters Art Museum
Trista and Ryan, ABC
Sorry, had to get that off my chest.
Anyway, back to the book. Here, in no particular order, are the 10 secrets to falling in love a la Bachelor Nation. (Have no fear, I will also list more broadly applicable secrets for the rest of us who like to visit Reality TV Land but wouldn’t want to live there.)
Alcohol. Lots and lots of alcohol. So much alcohol. Because people without inhibitions can be coached to do anything!
Sleep-deprivation. Also not known to promote rational, self-protective behavior.
Isolation. You know all those women can’t leave the house, right? Not even to run to CVS for toothpaste.
Complete lack of privacy. Cameras everywhere! Eventually, contestants can’t keep their guard up all the time any longer and that’s when things really get rockin’.
Ruthless editing. By manipulating camera angles, cuts, and voice-overs, and splicing together exactly the words they want someone to say, the producers can make a perfectly pleasant one-on-one date seem like an encounter between Attila the Hun and the Roman army. Or vice versa.
The same interrogation techniques used by police when they’re trying to get someone to confess to murder. “Oh, come on, Ashley. You know you’re for falling for Justin. We’ve been in this room for 15 hours without daylight or water or even those little 100 calorie cookie packs from the vending machine. Why don’t you just cry a little and say you’re ready to marry him and we can all go back to our tequila?”
Pursuant to numbers 4, 5 and 6: An iron-clad contract. Everything you say and do can and will be used against you in the court of reality television. Even if you didn’t actually say or do it.
Boredom. There is nothing to do in the Bachelor/ette mansion. No books, no tv, not even jenga. Eventually, there is nothing to do to entertain yourself except fall in love, form Survivor-like alliances, and acquiesce to whatever cunning narrative the producers want to tell the viewing audience. They want you to wear a tiara and a ballgown? Sure, what else have you got to do?
Using women’s biology against them. Did you know that when a bunch of women stay in the same place for an extended time, their menstrual cycles start to sync up? The Bachelor producers sure do. Mass outbreaks of crying, moodiness, and exhaustion make for must-see-tv!
The producers conspire against you. They cultivate your friendship and then they lie, lie, lie. Say Rudy tells Tania – to her face! – that he doesn’t know how he feels about her but he does think she’s great in the sack. The producer whom Tania trusts the most will then assure Tania that Rudy is a deep, sensitive guy who is already halfway to the altar.
Did I mention the alcohol? Because I think they might fill the swimming pool with it.
The Bachelor Pool: Powered by hormones, mixed drinks, and impaired decision-making.
Now, for those of us who have no designs on the Fantasy Suite, here are Bachelor-inspired dating insights for normal people:
Love is many things, but among the most measurable is a neurochemical state. The culprit is dopamine, “a stimulant that gives us motivation, energy and focus” (Kaufman 135). When you’re in love, dopamine floods your brain and you feel elation, drive, even obsession. The Bachelor puts its contestants in situations that prime them for dopamine surges. Maybe we can’t all have twenty-five people vying for the favor of our attention, but there are some things we can do to stimulate dopamine production on our way to finding that fairy-tale ending:
Go looking for love. Just the expectation that you might meet someone drives up your dopamine levels. Proximity to other people looking for love can also increase dopamine production.
Put yourself in novel situations. Combine your romantic quest with new experiences. Try new things in order to meet new kinds of people. And when you’ve met someone, try new things with them.
It’s even better if the new thing is something you’re slightly afraid of. Conquering fear or facing imagined danger with a potential or actual romantic partner will bond you even more. The Bachelor calls these “adrenaline dates” (Kaufman 133) – rappelling down a cliff, zip-lining over a forest, swimming with sharks, dashing to Macy’s on Black Friday. The surge of endorphins on top of all the other hormones will increase your feelings of connectedness and euphoria.
Keep your clothes on. Also known as the “Don’t Give Away Your Goodies For Free” postulate.* Why? Because when you’re in a state of heightened dopamine – which everyone at the beginning of a relationship is – it’s hard to distinguish between lust and love. The instant sex enters the picture, your dopamine system basically explodes your brain. It conspires against your reason, wisdom, and self-preservation. You can go instantly from a superficial interest in someone to feeling like he is the Romeo to your Juliet, the Lancelot to your Guinevere, the Jason Mesnick to your Melissa Mycroft. And we all know how well those stories turned out.**
*I heard a mom tell her teenage daughter this on the subway. It was probably the funniest #overheardinnyc moment I’ve heard yet, even if the daughter didn’t feel the same way.
**Also, because reportedly the number one reason would-be contestants get turned down for the show? Previously undiagnosed STDs.
******
Want to learn more about love? Join Vineyard One NYC for our sermon series on “Biblical Dating in the Digital Age.” Find us at vineyardone.nyc or stream our services Sunday mornings at 10:30am EST on Facebook Live.
Begin by asking God to show you the blessings he’s given you today, whether big or small. Ask him to open your eyes to his presence and work in your life.
1) In verses 1-5, Jesus gives us an important lesson. He can use adverse situations to bring glory to God and increase our faith. I am not saying that everything happens for a reason; but rather that in any situation God can work something good for those who love Him (Romans 8:28). Are you facing a difficult situation? In your prayer time today, give that situation to God. Seek out someone in your faith community who can support you, even if it’s just to give you a hug.
2) Imagine witnessing this scene. Would you not believe that Jesus is the Messiah after seeing Him giving sight to a man that was born blind? The Pharisees knew that this man had always been blind and had been healed, yet they refused to believe. They questioned Jesus for healing the man on the Sabbath. The Pharisees were blinder than the blind man. They had made idols of the law and their own understanding. But just like idols, they could not see (Psalm 135:15-18). Ask Jesus to show you in what areas of your life you have been blind. Invite him to bring healing.
OBEY
Believe in Jesus. Believe that He is mighty to give sight to the blind and that He is stronger than any circumstance that you might be facing: physical or mental health problems, financial struggles, heartbrokenness, a loved one going through a painful situation, or maybe even battles with particular sins. Ask Him to allow you to see Him in that situation. Ask that he might increase your surrender to Him through this difficulty and thus be glorified.
Guest writer: Abraham Aldama
“Leap of Faith” is a devotional series on the Gospel of John for the Lent season. All readings are available on the Vineyard One NYC app, along with additional resources for Bible reading, worship, and prayer (IPhone app here; Google Play app here).
Each Sunday in Lent will focus on one of Jesus’ miraculous signs in the Gospel of John.
PREPARE
Ask the Holy Spirit to guide your devotional time. Before you read, meditate on John’s words about his Gospel:
But these are written so that you may continue to believe that Jesus is the Messiah, the Son of God, and that by believing in him you will have life by the power of his name – John 20:31.
1) The religious leaders’ response to Jesus healing on the Sabbath is an example of getting so caught up in doing things “right” or having things exactly as we envision them that we miss what is good. Ask the Holy Spirit to show you an example of this in your own life. If needed, ask for forgiveness and the ability to see God’s gifts for what they are. Give Jesus thanks for the goodness he has brought you.
2) Jesus asks the lame man, “Would you like to get well?” Imagine Jesus asking this of you. To what area of your life would you like Jesus to bring healing? Ask Jesus to break through any resistance you might feel to his healing touch.
OBEY
God gave the Sabbath as a gift, to allow us to rest and to remember our dependence on him to provide us with the things that we need. How can you honor the Sabbath today – or if not today, then sometime this week? Set aside time to be with God, to enjoy the beauty of his presence, and find rest for your body, mind, and spirit.
You are also invited to hear a sermon on this passage. It will be streamed on the Vineyard One NYC Facebook page beginning at 10:30 am Eastern Standard Time. (Previous sermon audio files are available at vineyardone.nyc.)
“Leap of Faith” is a devotional series on the Gospel of John for the Lent season. All readings are available on the Vineyard One NYC app, along with additional resources for Bible reading, worship, and prayer (IPhone app here; Google Play app here).
Each Sunday in Lent will focus on one of Jesus’ miraculous signs in the Gospel of John.
PREPARE
Ask the Holy Spirit to guide your devotional time. Before you read, meditate on John’s words about his Gospel:
But these are written so that you may continue to believe that Jesus is the Messiah, the Son of God, and that by believing in him you will have life by the power of his name – John 20:31.
Jesus returns to Cana to find that news of the miracle he performed there (turning water into wine) has gone before him. Yet Jesus is aware that many people aren’t able to look past his “miraculous signs and wonders” (v. 48) and seek him for who he is, not what he can do. The official seems like one of these shallow thrill-seekers at first, yet he trusts Jesus enough to believe his son has been healed without any evidence but Jesus’ own words.
1) Is there anyone you are trusting Jesus to heal – physically, emotionally, spiritually, relationally, etc. – even though you can’t see anything happening yet? How has Jesus shown you that he is trustworthy?
1) The official comes to Jesus in desperation. He has left his son in a different town, an 8-hour walk away, knowing that his son may be dead before he gets back if Jesus cannot or will not help. Have there been times in your life when you felt this kind of desperation? What were they? How has what happened shaped to the person you are and the relationship you have with Jesus today?
OBEY
Allow Jesus to stir up your deep need for him and pray that he will do the same for others he has brought to mind. Begin by praising Jesus for how he has worked in your life, then move to worshipping him for who he is.
You are also invited to hear a sermon on this passage. It will be streamed on the Vineyard One NYC Facebook page beginning at 10:30 am Eastern Standard Time. (Previous sermon audio files are available at vineyardone.nyc.)
“Leap of Faith” is a devotional series on the Gospel of John for the Lent season. All readings are available on the Vineyard One NYC app, along with additional resources for Bible reading, worship, and prayer (IPhone app here; Google Play app here).
This is a day to review the graces, or gifts and blessings, of the week. Find a place where you can welcome God’s presence, and ask the Holy Spirit to help you think back over the previous week. What relationships, events, or things have you been grateful for? How has Jesus been present to you in your daily life?
REVIEW OPTION 1
Review one or more Bible passages and devotionals from the previous days (Day 6, Day 7, Day 8, Day 9, Day 10). Is there anything in particular that stands out to you? What has Jesus been saying to you so far in the Lent Season?
REVIEW OPTION 2
If you need something simpler, you may choose to meditate and pray on one or more of these questions from the week:
In John 3:16-21, Jesus tells us that his light illuminates the world. In what areas of your life or heart is he bringing his light?
In John 4:34, Jesus says, “My nourishment comes from doing the will of God, who sent me, and from finishing his work.” How have you been fed by doing God’s work in the past? What do you sense is God’s will for you in this moment?
Review the emotions and experiences of the week, both the high and the low points. Ask God to speak to you in detail about one high and one low point? What do you hear him saying to you?
PRAY
What is Jesus’ invitation to you today? Ask for the grace to say “yes.”
Close with a prayer of gratitude or with The Lord’s Prayer (Find classic and contemporary versions here.)
“Leap of Faith” is a devotional series on the Gospel of John for the Lent season. All readings are available on the Vineyard One NYC app, along with additional resources for Bible reading, worship, and prayer (IPhone app here; Google Play app here).
In this passage, Jesus is facing religious leaders who treat him with doubt and hostility. Jesus replies that he has witnesses who testify that he is telling the truth: John the Baptist, Jesus’ own teachings and miracles, and God himself.
1) Who in your life has witnessed to you that Jesus is the Son of God? What led you believe their testimony? In what ways have you heard the truth directly from God, whether in the person of the Father, the Son, or the Holy Spirit, or the Word? What can you learn about the ways you are most likely to receive God’s truth for you and become more aware of his love?
OBEY
As you reflect on the ways you are most “wired” to connect with God, choose one such activity or posture and spend some time today doing that very thing. Then, tell another person about your experience so that they might also be blessed by it.
“Leap of Faith” is a devotional series on the Gospel of John for the Lent season. All readings are available on the Vineyard One NYC app, along with additional resources for Bible reading, worship, and prayer (IPhone app here; Google Play app here).
Find a moment to be still and sense God’s presence. Ask the Holy Spirit to guide you as you reflect on his healing work in your life and in the lives of others.
1) In verses 4:46-5:15, Jesus encountered two men who desired healing – the official who was pleading for his son’s life and the lame man who could not see past his circumstances. Jesus gave healing in both cases. With whom do you identify more, the official or the lame man? Why?
2) In the case of the official, Jesus heals his son because of the father’s pleas. Is there anyone in your life currently that needs healing? Take this opportunity to intercede on their behalf, having faith that God will heal.
OBEY
When Jesus healed the lame man, he sent the man away with a task: “carry your mat.” By carrying the mat he once laid on, the man was living out the reality of his healing, doing work that used to be impossible for him. Ask Jesus what task he has for you today. How can you respond to Jesus’ healing in your own life? What might it mean for you to carry your mat?
Guest writer: Aaron Perez
“Leap of Faith” is a devotional series on the Gospel of John for the Lent season. All readings are available on the Vineyard One NYC app, along with additional resources for Bible reading, worship, and prayer (IPhone app here; Google Play app here).
In the passage, can you see the connection between the desires of God and the desires of humans? Jesus (God the Son) fulfills his hungry desire to do the will of the Father (God) by satisfying the woman’s thirst for a meaningful life. It seems that God desires to complete us in our lacking areas. Meanwhile, we are never complete (whole) without God. God hungers to interact with you and set you free to be alive!
1) “My food is to do the will of him who sent me and to accomplish his work.” How do these words of Jesus make you feel? In what ways have you done the Father’s work lately? OBEY
How can you acknowledge God’s attempts to get your attention each day? What are ways you find deep satisfaction in God? Set time aside to take part in some of these activities today and this week.
Guest writer: Marcus Samerson
“Leap of Faith” is a devotional series on the Gospel of John for the Lent season. All readings are available on the Vineyard One NYC app, along with additional resources for Bible reading, worship, and prayer (IPhone app here; Google Play app here).
