Listen to a New Guided Meditation at soulspace.center

I’m so excited to announce my friends and fellow spiritual directors Janine Rohrer and David Buchs have launched our new website, Soul Space. At Soul Space, we create room for your soul to breathe. Our vision is to make space for busy people to find rest, nourishment, and inspiration for their souls. We offer guided meditations, spiritual direction, and retreats.

To go with the new website, we’ve posted a new guided meditation, set to David’s ambient music. Based on Psalm 25, it leads the listener to prayerfully reflect on trust, hope, and repentance and on God’s guidance, compassion, and love.

Listen to it now and let your soul find rest from a busy day! We’ll be releasing a new recording next week, too!

You can also find archived reflections on our Soul Space page at Soundcloud.

Find me on Instagram @ravishedbylight.

Contemplative Prayer on Matthew 8:5-13: Authority and Faith

This prayer is based on the story of the Roman officer who asked Jesus to heal his servant. It’s a meditation on the authority given to each of us by God and how we are invited to wield it on his behalf. It also asks us to consider how God has stretched our faith in the past and how he might be doing so in the present. The prayer time begins with a breathing exercise called box breathing, which can be used by someone who is in a state of stress or agitation to attain focus and calm. If you are planning to lead this prayer, leave plenty of space for reflection in between the questions.

Find a comfortable position and close your eyes. Breathe in through your nose slowly, counting to four as you inhale. Hold for four counts, then breathe out for four counts. Repeat: inhale, 2-3-4, hold, 2-3-4, release 2-3-4. Inhale, 2-3-4, hold, 2-3-4, release, 2-3-4.

How do you come to prayer today? What is the state of your mind? Your body? Your heart? What hopes and fears, worries and joys do you bring to Jesus today? 

For today’s prayer time, I will guide you through an imaginative prayer on Matthew 8:5-13. This is the story of a Roman officer who asked Jesus to heal his servant from a terrible illness. 

As you listen to the story, pay notice what most catches your attention and sparks your imagination. 

Jesus, I pray that you would guide this time of contemplation and prayer. Enliven our senses and our imaginations to perceive you. Enfold us with your love. 

Matthew 8:5-13

When Jesus returned to Capernaum, a Roman officer[b] came and pleaded with him, 6 “Lord, my young servant[c] lies in bed, paralyzed and in terrible pain.”

7 Jesus said, “I will come and heal him.”

8 But the officer said, “Lord, I am not worthy to have you come into my home. Just say the word from where you are, and my servant will be healed. 9 I know this because I am under the authority of my superior officers, and I have authority over my soldiers. I only need to say, ‘Go,’ and they go, or ‘Come,’ and they come. And if I say to my slaves, ‘Do this,’ they do it.”

10 When Jesus heard this, he was amazed. Turning to those who were following him, he said, “I tell you the truth, I haven’t seen faith like this in all Israel! 11 And I tell you this, that many Gentiles will come from all over the world—from east and west—and sit down with Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob at the feast in the Kingdom of Heaven. 12 But many Israelites—those for whom the Kingdom was prepared—will be thrown into outer darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.”

13 Then Jesus said to the Roman officer, “Go back home. Because you believed, it has happened.” And the young servant was healed that same hour.

What are your immediate responses to this passage? What stands out to you? With whom do you most identify? With the officer? With the servant? Or with Jesus? At what point of the story did your strongest emotions emerge?

I will read the passage again. This time, use your imagination to place yourself in the scene. You may imagine yourself as someone in the story or perhaps as an observer or an object. Use your senses and emotions to fill in the story – see the light glinting off the solder’s armor and hear Jesus’ voice as he expresses compassion or surprise. Smell the dust in the air and feel the heat of the sun on your skin. Or perhaps feel the pain and fear of the sick servant. 

The story in your imagination does not need to unfold in the same way as the passage, nor does it need to stop when the passage does. Allow God to guide your imagination as he will.

When Jesus returned to Capernaum, a Roman officer[b] came and pleaded with him, 6 “Lord, my young servant[c] lies in bed, paralyzed and in terrible pain.”

7 Jesus said, “I will come and heal him.”

8 But the officer said, “Lord, I am not worthy to have you come into my home. Just say the word from where you are, and my servant will be healed. 9 I know this because I am under the authority of my superior officers, and I have authority over my soldiers. I only need to say, ‘Go,’ and they go, or ‘Come,’ and they come. And if I say to my slaves, ‘Do this,’ they do it.”

10 When Jesus heard this, he was amazed. Turning to those who were following him, he said, “I tell you the truth, I haven’t seen faith like this in all Israel! 11 And I tell you this, that many Gentiles will come from all over the world—from east and west—and sit down with Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob at the feast in the Kingdom of Heaven. 12 But many Israelites—those for whom the Kingdom was prepared—will be thrown into outer darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.”

13 Then Jesus said to the Roman officer, “Go back home. Because you believed, it has happened.” And the young servant was healed that same hour.

How did the story unfold for you? What did you notice? What did you feel in your emotions or in your body? 

What did you sense the Lord communicating to you through your imagination? What would you like to say to him in return?

Two themes that come up in this story are authority and faith. Like the Roman soldier, there are places in your life where you are under authority and places where you have authority. 

First and foremost, you are under the authority of God. What does that mean to you? How do you feel about being under God’s authority?  Are there any places you are trying to retain authority over your own life? What would it look like to surrender those areas to God?

You also have God-given authority through Jesus and the Holy Spirit: authority to pray and work for God’s purposes, to ask for the Holy Spirit’s guidance and help, and to help others experience the power and love of God. How do you feel about having this kind of authority? Are there any kinds of authority that God seems to have especially gifted you with – for example, the authority to heal or teach or pray, to free people from the influence of evil spirits, to prophesy, or to help others know Jesus? 

Is there any kind of spiritual authority you would like to ask for? If you feel comfortable doing so, ask Jesus for it now. 

In the human realm, you may also have authority: for example, over your family our household, or over people who work for you. You may have authority that comes from your job title, your education, or your experience. Based on your ethnicity and gender or other characteristics, you may have or lack certain kinds of cultural or social authority. 

What kinds of authority to do you have? In other words, in what areas of life do you have the power to make something happen? In this past week, how have you used your authority?

What kinds of authority might you lack?  

Are there any ways that God is inviting you to change how you wield your power? How might you be called to use or expand your authority? What kinds of power might you be invited to give up?

Turning to the question of faith, what are some ways you have exercised faith in the past? How did it feel to have your faith stretched? What was the result?

Where is your faith being challenged right now? Where in your life is God saying, “Go,” “Come,” or “Do this?” How would you like God to meet you in this challenge of faith? 

In the week to come, what is one way you can exercise your faith?  And what is one way you can use your authority, either in the human or spiritual realm, on behalf of God and God’s purposes?

Move now to a time of silence. For a moment, sit face to face with Jesus. Imagine his loving, accepting gaze on you. Take in the expression of his face, the posture of his body. Feel his heart. What would you like to take away from your time with him?

Jesus, I thank you that you have all authority in heaven and on earth. I thank you that you always use your power to help, heal, and save, never to harm. Help us to step into the authority you have given us, whether spiritual or in the human realm, so that we may participate in your Kingdom mission. And help us to dismantle systems of false authority that lead to oppression and suffering. Help us to use our power as Jesus did, on behalf of others.

Thank you for joining this time of prayer. As you go from here, may the Holy Spirit bring you the imagination, authority, and faith to see what God is doing and join in. Amen.

Photo credit: pixabay

Find me on Instagram: @ravishedbylight

Find guided contemplative prayers set to original ambient music at soulspace.center.

Lectio Divina on Psalm 20: “In Times of Trouble, May the Lord Answer Your Cry.”

Psalm 20

For the choir director: A psalm of David.

In times of trouble, may the Lord answer your cry.

    May the name of the God of Jacob keep you safe from all harm.

May he send you help from his sanctuary

    and strengthen you from Jerusalem.

May he remember all your gifts

    and look favorably on your burnt offerings. 

May he grant your heart’s desires

    and make all your plans succeed.

May we shout for joy when we hear of your victory

    and raise a victory banner in the name of our God.

May the Lord answer all your prayers.

Now I know that the Lord rescues his anointed king.

    He will answer him from his holy heaven

    and rescue him by his great power.

Some nations boast of their chariots and horses,

    but we boast in the name of the Lord our God.

Those nations will fall down and collapse,

    but we will rise up and stand firm.

Give victory to our king, O Lord!

    Answer our cry for help.

Today, our contemplative prayer will be a Lectio Divina, or a “Divine Reading.” It’s an ancient practice for meditating on a passage of Scripture by reading it several times, each time with a slightly different focus. It has five steps: Reading, Meditation, Prayer, Contemplation, and Action. 

Begin by finding a comfortable position and closing your eyes. Rest your hands on your lap, palms upward and open in a gesture of openness and receiving. Begin to take slow, deep breaths.  

“God is light and in him there is no darkness at all.” Imagine yourself being caught in a shower of light, as though you are immersed in a sunbeam. Feel the light and warmth pouring over you, starting at the top of your head and moving downward, through your chest and arms, filling your hands, then moving downward over your legs and feet. Imagine God filling you with his light and his love.

Rest. Breathe. Feel God’s total acceptance and love.

Holy Spirit, come. I ask you to guide our time of prayer. I pray that your Living Word would speak to us and transform us into the likeness of Christ. I pray that each person here would experience the joy and peace of God’s presence.

Let’s begin the Lectio.

  1. The first step is Reading. With your eyes still closed, listen to the words of the Scripture. I will read from Psalm 20, a song of David. Listen prayerfully, allowing God to guide your thoughts and responses. (Read Psalm).
  1. Step two is Meditation: This time, as I read the Psalm, listen for the part of the Psalm that stands out to you, that seems to resonate with you most. Repeat it to yourself several times, letting it sink in. You may also read the Psalm on the screen if you wish. (Read Psalm) How are you responding to the Psalm? What emotions do you feel? What hopes and dreams, desires or memories come up in you? What is God saying to you about your life today? About the gifts you have been given or the person he has created you to be?

  1. Step three is Prayer. What do you want to say to the Lord in response to his Word? Do you want to offer praise? Make a request or a confession? Or simply let God know what’s on your mind and heart? Tell God whatever you feel led to say. What is God saying back to you?
  1. The fourth step is Contemplation: Contemplation is an invitation to rest in God’s presence. Move to a time of silence. Simply be with God and allow God to do his transforming work in you. How does it feel to be in God’s presence? How do you sense God transforming you during this time? What part of your life is he making new?  
  1. The final step in Lectio Divina is Action: Now that you have received God’s love and grace, how are you being invited to respond? What words or deeds is God leading you into? How will you serve others on his behalf in this coming week? 

God, thank you for guiding this time of prayer. I pray that you would continue the transforming work you have begun within us and through us. Continue growing us in love for your Word, openness to the Holy Spirit, and in the likeness of your Son, Jesus.

As you go from here, may you love as Jesus loved, without reservation, prejudice, or fear. May you be free to live the life God has placed in you.

Amen.

The steps for Lectio Divina are adapted from: https://www.thereligionteacher.com/lectio-divina-steps/

The Steps of Lectio Divina – Conception Abbeyhttps://www.conceptionabbey.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/11/lectio-divina-card.pdf

Photo Credit: Photo by Luis Quintero from Pexels

Find me on Instagram @ravishedbylight.

Breath Prayer on 1 John 1:5-7, “God is Light”

God is light, and there is no darkness in him at all.

This was the contemplative prayer for today’s service at Vineyard One NYC. The prayer alludes to, though does not explicitly mention, the events of these past weeks: the murder of George Floyd – and countless other black men and women – the #BlackLivesMatter protests that have spread throughout the U.S. and beyond, the police violence against largely peaceful protestors, and the covid-19 epidemic, which disproportionately affects black and Hispanic communities. (More direct teaching and prayer about these events happened at other times in the service.) It invites repentance, prayers for unity, and action towards becoming a person who bears Jesus’ light into the world.

If you choose to lead this prayer, leave ample time for everyone to reflect and to listen to God’s voice.

Breath Prayer on 1 John 1:5-7

Breath prayer is a contemplative practice in which we breathe slowly and deeply, gradually synchronizing our breathing to short prayers or phrases that we pray aloud or quietly in our head. As we breathe, we are praying with our body, allowing God’s presence to take root in not only our minds and our hearts, but our physical being as well.

As we begin our time, I pray that we would be surrounded by God’s presence, love, and peace. In these turbulent days of violence, racism, illness, and uncertainty, may Jesus give us courage and to do his will, trust in his plans, and hope for the future. 

I invite you to find a comfortable position wherever you are. Close your eyes and begin to breathe deeply and slowly. Pay attention to the rhythm of your breath. You may want to put your hands on your chest or stomach so you can feel your body rise and fall as you inhale and exhale. Breathe out any tension you may be feeling in your body. Relax your face, your neck, your shoulders, your arms and hands. Relax your legs and feet. Continue to breathe slowly and deliberately. 

What emotions are you feeling right now?

God loves you without reservation, right now, exactly as you are. Surrender yourself to his love.

Today, the phrases from our breath prayer will come from 1 John 1:5-7. As you listen to the verses, keep up your slow, deep breathing. Allow God’s Word to sink in and bring quiet your spirit. 

1 John 1:5-7

This is the message we heard from Jesus and now declare to you: God is light, and there is no darkness in him at all. So we are lying if we say we have fellowship with God but go on living in spiritual darkness; we are not practicing the truth. But if we are living in the light, as God is in the light, then we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, cleanses us from all sin.

I will read the verse again:

This is the message we heard from Jesus and now declare to you: God is light, and there is no darkness in him at all. So we are lying if we say we have fellowship with God but go on living in spiritual darkness; we are not practicing the truth. But if we are living in the light, as God is in the light, then we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, cleanses us from all sin.

For our breath prayer today, we will start with three phrases based on the Scripture. Pray these phrases silently in rhythm with your breathing.

God, you are light.

Cleanse us from sin. 

Make us one.

God, you are light.

Cleanse us from sin. 

Make us one.

For the next few minutes, keep repeating these phrases as you breathe. 

God, you are light.

Cleanse us from sin. 

Make us one.

As you pray, you may find that one of these phrases seems to resonate with you more than the others. Let the other phrases fall away and focus on the one that God seems to be drawing you towards. So you may choose to pray, God you are light.

Or, Cleanse us from sin.

Or, Make us one.

Continue with your chosen phrase, allowing God to draw you deeper into your prayer. If God seems to have you alternate between phrases, that’s perfectly fine. Follow his lead.

Now, ask the Lord if there are other words that he is inviting you to pray. Is there anything he is bringing to your mind? Follow God’s leading and begin to pray your new words or phrase. Or, if you are still drawn to the words you are already praying, continue as you were. Trust the Lord to guide this process.

Take a few more moments with your breath prayer.

Now, move to a time of silence. Imagine you are face to face with Jesus. You may picture him in as much or as little detail as you wish. What emotions are you experiencing as you sit in his presence?

Let Jesus speak to you about his intentions for this prayer time. What is he saying to you with his words? What is he saying to you without words? 

Is there anything you would like to say to him? 

As you spend time with the Lord, how do you sense him bringing his light to your circumstances? How do you sense him inviting you to bring his light to others? What kind of person is he calling you to be during this season?

If you feel led to do so, tell Jesus your intentions to be this person. What is one concrete action you can take this week to become someone who bears Jesus’ light?

Lord, thank you for this time of prayer. You are the source of our every breath. Help us to honor you with our words, thoughts, and actions. With the power of your Spirit, help us to illuminate the darkness in our world.

As you go from here, may you live in the light of Jesus’ love, healing, redemption, reconciliation, and peace. Amen.

Copyright by Carrie Myers, 2020.

Find me on Instagram at @RavishedByLight.

Photo credits: Clear Glass Sphere, Pixabay; Protestors Holding Signs, Photo by Kelly Lacy from Pexels

Contemplative Reflection for Pentecost

My friends and I at Soul Space have a new guided contemplation up just in time for Pentecost Sunday!

May you have a life-giving encounter with Jesus and the Holy Spirit as you listen to the Scripture (Acts 2:1-21) and use your imagination to enter into a time of reflection and prayer.

Created by Soul Space: Janine Rohrer (writing), Carrie Myers (narration), David Buchs (Original music and sound mixing)

P.S. I’ve been creating guided contemplative prayers every week for our virtual Sunday services at Vineyard One NYC. For those of you who are spiritual directors or prayer leaders, I’m going to start posting those scripts weekly, so stay tuned!

(If I can figure out how, I’ll post the recordings, too, but so far Audacity and I are not friends. Recording the Pentecost script required me to sit in my living room very late at night so noises were at a minimum, doors and windows closed, fan off, with my microphone in a box stuffed with pillows and there was still background noise that I do not personally know how to edit out.)

Find me on Instagram @ravishedbylight.

Find David Buchs at www.sleepwithmusic.com.

Hope On Easter: A Guided Meditation on John 20:1-18

Many of us are in mourning this Easter — for our old way of life or for those who have left it, all swept away in the pandemic. In these troubled times, may you find comfort and purpose in remembering that, in Jesus, the darkness truly does precede the dawn, that dying is a prelude to resurrection. What could seem like a crass and empty cliché becomes exactly the opposite in light Jesus’ defeat on the cross of the power of sin and darkness. As we wait expectantly for the “already but not yet” of the new creation, what new life will emerge from the ashes of the coronavirus?

As you experience this Easter meditation, our prayer is that the story of the risen Christ will bring you peace and hope during a time of stress and anxiety. Don’t fear, there is Good News ahead of us!

– Written by Janine Rohrer and Carrie Myers. Voiceover and music by David Buchs.

____________

Find me (Carrie Myers) on instagram @ravishedbylight

Find more music by David Buchs and more meditations by Janine Rohrer and David Buchs at sleepwithmusic.com.

And keep an eye out for new guided meditations and prayers at our new website, soulspace.center, coming soon!

Good Friday Contemplative Prayer

Today is a Good Friday unlike any I can remember. With the covid crisis still raging in New York City and hundreds of people dying every day, Jesus’ suffering and death on the cross feels very near. It feels less like an abstract religious idea and more like the reality for thousands of people all over the world who are sick or dying or losing loved ones.

My partners Janine Rohrer and David Buchs and I created this guided contemplative prayer from John 19:16-30 knowing that many of us are grieving and frightened, uncertain about the future, and needing to find solid ground. We invite you to breathe deeply of God’s presence: to walk with Jesus through his crucifixion, to speak to him out of your own emotions and experience, and to hear his loving words for you.

May you be blessed by Jesus during this time of prayer.

– Carrie

Find me on Instagram @ravishedbylight and on the blog at vineyardone.nyc.

Find David Buchs and other meditations by David Buchs and Janine Rohrer at www.sleepwithmusic.com.

Fighting for a Win-Win in Dating and Marriage: Tips for Handling Conflicts from the Gottman Institute (Book Review)

V1NYC_Dating & Church of God_InstaPost

This coming week, my church’s Biblical Dating in the Digital Age series will focus on “Dating and the Church of God” – or how a love relationship between a man and a woman that starts with dating will eventually become, in marriage, a visible sign of the invisible grace of God: the relationship between Christ and his bride, the Church.

At the same time as the series has been running, my husband and I have been co-leading a premarital counseling course for several couples that are approaching marriage. The bulk of our course is based on research from the Gottman Institute. Researchers there have been taking a scientific approach to the study of marriage (and divorce) for the past twenty years. Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, is based on those insights, which include an over 90% ability to predict a couple’s eventual divorce simply by the way they react to each other over the course of a normal conversation or day spent together. Many of these insights, though discovered in the context of marriage, are also applicable to dating.

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One of the most helpful insights Gottman uncovered is this: Couples are going to argue. Expect it. In fact, 69% of conflicts between even happy couples are what he terms “Unsolvable.” In other words, they are issues that may appear surface and temporary, but at root are core differences in temperament, values, and beliefs that are not going to go away. Ever. What’s key is not whether you fight, it’s how.

So what’s a dating or married couple to do when faced with the billionth fight over the same topic, whether it’s the frequency of date night, someone’s inability to buy good gifts, or who gets to wield the remote?

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etsy.com/shop/bitterwhimsy

Simple. (Sort of.) You realize that you, buddy, are not going to win this one. Neither is your partner. Not completely. You recognize that you are two people who think differently about what’s important and you agree to disagree.

Let’s say, either while you are already married with kids, or while you are projecting your dating life into its possible future, you begin discussing holidays with the parents.  You think it’s important to spend every Christmas with your parents, and your partner wants to take vacays to Disney with the kids. You are adamant that your family is the most important thing in your life and you want your kids to spend time with their grandparents. Your partner (who is as not as close to his or her parents) is equally adamant that getaways for your nuclear family will help cement your bond and create lasting memories. At the core, the two of you are fighting not about a holiday, but about definitions of family and priorities that you’ve been forming since childhood. Neither of your experiences or values is going to change.

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You could fight about – or sweep under the rug – both the surface and the deeper issue every Christmas for the rest of your lives, and let the bitterness of the perpetual conflict – or perpetual repression – seep into the rest of your relationship. Or, you negotiate. You compromise. You find a middle ground in which neither of you is right, neither of you is wrong, and neither of you gets completely what you want. But both of you win.

You win because you’ve stopped an unsolvable disagreement from spilling into those areas of your life where are in accord. You’ve drained the toxin from a conflict that has the potential to poison your marriage. Now, you agree to spend most Christmases with the grandparents, but every third year you see them on Thanksgiving instead and head to the Magic Kingdom for Yuletide. Is either of you getting exactly what you want, every time? Nope. But both of you are getting some of what you want. Both of your needs and concerns are being valued. And you get to keep a healthy relationship. That’s the definition of a win-win.

(Just know that for me this is an imagined scenario only. In reality, I think I’d commit seppuku with a rusty nail clipper rather than be anywhere near Disney on Jesus’ birthday. I’m not anti-Disney, exactly. Just anti-peak holiday crowds, interminable lines, and exorbitant prices for a stupid sipper shaped like Mickey’s head that, btw, is both creepy and bad for the environment. Let me tell you: it’s exhausting to spend a whole day on your feet while feeling morally superior to the people you are elbowing out of your way.)

christmas-trees-sleeping-beauty-castle-disneyland
Remember, it’s a beautiful castle, but the wicked witch and her spinning wheel are hiding upstairs. (image from disneytouristblog.com)

That’s just one example of how couples might begin practicing the art of the “win-win” while they are still dating. Whether it’s who pays for those Broadway tickets or how many evenings you need to spend with just the two of you vs. hanging out with friends . . . find a way to negotiate. Give a little to get a little. It sounds manipulative, but it’s not. It’s practical. And it’s loving. You have a perspective that your partner needs. And your partner has a perspective that will help you grow into a fuller, richer person.

I’m not saying don’t have non-negotiables. I’m saying be realistic about how many you have. And ask yourself: If I bend on this a little, what am I losing? What am I gaining? What might my partner lose or gain?

You might gain years together. You might get a marriage as it was meant to be: two people who are willing to mutually sacrifice for the other’s good.

Or, on the flip side, you might decide your non-negotiables are exactly that and save yourself years of fruitless friction in a relationship that doesn’t allow you to express your authentic self, nor appreciate who your partner truly is.

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Either way, it’s a win for both of you.

Find more resources for couples from the Gottman Institute on gottman.com

To follow Vineyard One’s Dating and God series, watch the sermon series on Facebook Live at 10:30 am EST, or at any time after the live stream concludes, or visit vineyardone.nyc.

Everything I Know About Love, I Learned from “Bachelor Nation” (Book Review)

dating

In tribute to my church’s current series on God and Dating, I’m continuing to review some of the books I’ve read relating to love, romance, dating, and marriage.

Bachelor Nation: Inside the World of America’s Favorite Guilty Pleasure isn’t really about dating, in the sense that it’s not a “how-to” primer, the way The Four Man Planwhich I wrote about last week, is. But entertainment journalist and author Amy Kaufman definitely uncovers some of the secrets to making people feel the pulse-pounding onslaught of love (or maybe just lust) – whether or not they’re there for the “right reasons.”

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Let it be said, right off the bat, that the Bachelor producers come off in this book as beyond Machiavellian. They make the author of The Prince, the scourge of the Medicis, look like a rank amateur. They are manipulative, scheming, ratings-grubbing, and drama-mongering. And they are obviously geniuses at what they do, because, well,  we’re still watching.

Screenshot 2018-10-11 at 12.09.03 PM
An Actual Bachelor Producer

Well, I’m not. Anymore. Mostly because it’s faster for me to skim the recaps.

What were my “right reasons” for beginning to watch the voyeuristic marvel that is the Bachelor franchise? Way back in 2002, my husband and I had a new baby that Would. Not. Sleep. After four months of stumbling around like zombies on Ambien, we gave up and sleep-trained her – an esoteric process otherwise known as “let the baby cry herself to sleep, already!” The problem was, we were in a very small apartment and had nowhere to go away from the crying. So, we turned on the tv, and lo and behold! Like a light shining out on our desperate existence, there was Chris Harrison! And the Bachelor! And 25 Bachelorettes!

Reader, it was the distraction we needed. We were hooked like big, bug-eyed catfish and stayed hooked through the second season, when the lovely former cheerleader Trista graced our screen and flitted out with a proposal from Fireman Ryan, he of the sweetly terrible – I mean just horrendous – poetry. We watched their wedding, when the couple bizarrely decided they only needed to recite thirteen-and-a-half out of fourteen lines of Elizbeth Barrett Browning’s sonnet, “How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.”

People, you just cannot truncate a sonnet of its final couplet. It becomes a painfully unfinished thing.  It’s like . . . if Pygmalion hadn’t wanted to bother with styling Galatea’s hair and just left her brainpan open. IT CANNOT BE DONE.

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Etienne-Maurice Falconette, The Walters Art Museum

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Trista and Ryan, ABC

Sorry, had to get that off my chest.

Anyway, back to the book. Here, in no particular order, are the 10 secrets to falling in love a la Bachelor Nation. (Have no fear, I will also list more broadly applicable secrets for the rest of us who like to visit Reality TV Land but wouldn’t want to live there.)

  1. Alcohol. Lots and lots of alcohol. So much alcohol. Because people without inhibitions can be coached to do anything!
  2. Sleep-deprivation. Also not known to promote rational, self-protective behavior.
  3. Isolation. You know all those women can’t leave the house, right? Not even to run to CVS for toothpaste.
  4. Complete lack of privacy. Cameras everywhere! Eventually, contestants can’t keep their guard up all the time any longer and that’s when things really get rockin’.
  5. Ruthless editing. By manipulating camera angles, cuts, and voice-overs, and splicing together exactly the words they want someone to say, the producers can make a perfectly pleasant one-on-one date seem like an encounter between Attila the Hun and the Roman army. Or vice versa.
  6. The same interrogation techniques used by police when they’re trying to get someone to confess to murder. “Oh, come on, Ashley. You know you’re for falling for Justin. We’ve been in this room for 15 hours without daylight or water or even those little 100 calorie cookie packs from the vending machine. Why don’t you just cry a little and say you’re ready to marry him and we can all go back to our tequila?”
  7. Pursuant to numbers 4, 5 and 6: An iron-clad contract. Everything you say and do can and will be used against you in the court of reality television. Even if you didn’t actually say or do it.
  8. Boredom. There is nothing to do in the Bachelor/ette mansion. No books, no tv, not even jenga. Eventually, there is nothing to do to entertain yourself except fall in love, form Survivor-like alliances, and acquiesce to whatever cunning narrative the producers want to tell the viewing audience. They want you to wear a tiara and a ballgown? Sure, what else have you got to do?
  9. Using women’s biology against them. Did you know that when a bunch of women stay in the same place for an extended time, their menstrual cycles start to sync up? The Bachelor producers sure do. Mass outbreaks of crying, moodiness, and exhaustion make for must-see-tv!
  10. The producers conspire against you. They cultivate your friendship and then they lie, lie, lie. Say Rudy tells Tania – to her face! – that he doesn’t know how he feels about her but he does think she’s great in the sack. The producer whom Tania trusts the most will then assure Tania that Rudy is a deep, sensitive guy who is already halfway to the altar.
  11. Did I mention the alcohol? Because I think they might fill the swimming pool with it.

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The Bachelor Pool: Powered by hormones, mixed drinks, and impaired decision-making.

Now, for those of us who have no designs on the Fantasy Suite, here are Bachelor-inspired dating insights for normal people:

Love is many things, but among the most measurable is a neurochemical state. The culprit is dopamine, “a stimulant that gives us motivation, energy and focus” (Kaufman 135). When you’re in love, dopamine floods your brain and you feel elation, drive, even obsession. The Bachelor puts its contestants in situations that prime them for dopamine surges. Maybe we can’t all have twenty-five people vying for the favor of our attention, but there are some things we can do to stimulate dopamine production on our way to finding that fairy-tale ending:

  1. Go looking for love. Just the expectation that you might meet someone drives up your dopamine levels. Proximity to other people looking for love can also increase dopamine production.
  2. Put yourself in novel situations. Combine your romantic quest with new experiences. Try new things in order to meet new kinds of people. And when you’ve met someone, try new things with them.
  3. It’s even better if the new thing is something you’re slightly afraid of. Conquering fear or facing imagined danger with a potential or actual romantic partner will bond you even more. The Bachelor calls these “adrenaline dates” (Kaufman 133) – rappelling down a cliff, zip-lining over a forest, swimming with sharks, dashing to Macy’s on Black Friday. The surge of endorphins on top of all the other hormones will increase your feelings of connectedness and euphoria.
  4. Keep your clothes on. Also known as the “Don’t Give Away Your Goodies For Free” postulate.* Why? Because when you’re in a state of heightened dopamine – which everyone at the beginning of a relationship is – it’s hard to distinguish between lust and love. The instant sex enters the picture, your dopamine system basically explodes your brain. It conspires against your reason, wisdom, and self-preservation. You can go instantly from a superficial interest in someone to feeling like he is the Romeo to your Juliet, the Lancelot to your Guinevere, the Jason Mesnick to your Melissa Mycroft. And we all know how well those stories turned out.**

 

*I heard a mom tell her teenage daughter this on the subway. It was probably the funniest #overheardinnyc moment I’ve heard yet, even if the daughter didn’t feel the same way.

**Also, because reportedly the number one reason would-be contestants get turned down for the show? Previously undiagnosed STDs.

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Want to learn more about love? Join Vineyard One NYC for our sermon series on “Biblical Dating in the Digital Age.” Find us at vineyardone.nyc or stream our services Sunday mornings at 10:30am EST on Facebook Live.

A Math Nerd’s Dating Manifesto: The Four Man Plan (Book Review)

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In the annals of crazy-pants things to do with your time, our church’s decision to have a sermon series on God and dating feels up there. For one thing, the Bible has no advice whatsoever about dating, although my husband did notice that wells seem to be a good place to meet your future spouse (Zipporah) or your future spouse’s marriage broker (Rebecca). Also, dating seems to be the kind of topic about which you can talk endlessly and come to very few solid conclusions or universal recommendations. There are too many variables at work: individual temperament, family history, cultural zeitgeist, shifts in gender roles and expectations, not to mention “the economy, stupid.” (Poor economic conditions discourage people from getting married, particularly women.)

Let’s get real: if there were a surefire way to find lasting romantic love, it would already be free to Prime members. (And the rest of us would have to save up our order for weeks or throw in extra q-tips until we reached the free shipping threshold, not that I’m bitter or anything.)

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Still, in the interest of research for said sermon series (and not at all for the pure entertainment), I’ve been reading books about dating. I’ll share my thoughts about some of them here in the next few weeks.

First up is The Four Man Plan: A Romantic Science, by Cindy Lu.

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First of all, Cindy Lu is an awesome name that reminds me of that time when the Grinch gave back Christmas. Just because of that, I’m tempted to believe anything she says.

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The Four-Man Plan is billed as THE BEST HOW-TO-DATE-BOOK EVER, which given the author’s wicked sense of humor, has to be at least somewhat of a joke, along the lines of “THE MOST DRAMATIC ROSE CEREMONY EVER” or “THE MOST PEOPLE AT ANY INAUGURATION EVER.”

Important to know: This book is only for heterosexual women. Women, according to Cindy’s own story and the case studies in her book, can successfully use the Four-Man Plan to date up to 16 men at a time on their way to finding their Three-and-a-Half man, or, in Cindy’s math, THE ONE. (You really have to read the book to understand the calculations.) Men, of course, have never needed much encouragement to spread themselves around. (See: All the Biblical patriarchs.)

The gist: Cindy says that by assigning men mathematical values (from 1/4 to 3 1/2) and keeping track of them on a grid with 16 squares, the odds for finding a fulfilling relationship are ever in your favor. In practice I can’t imagine having time for that many men – When would you sleep? Go to work? Binge-watch Netflix? – so it’s good to know that 16 is a ceiling, not a goal.

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Snow White’s 4MP grid (from the book and website)

By juggling suitors, all of whom are fully aware of your actions (no being a Sneaky Susie), and never sleeping with more than one at a time (the math won’t allow it), you will spur men’s innate competitive nature, which means they will invest more energy and thought in pursuing you; you will open yourself up to becoming simultaneously a more adventurous and more patient dater (because you will not be fixated on getting any one person to put a ring on it); you will not be ruled by your fickle and, frankly, not very bright, hormones; and by virtue of having lots of guys to compare to each other, you will begin to understand better both yourself and the kind of guy that will fit with you.

My husband’s response: This seems very empowering for women. But I don’t have the same opinions about what motivates men or what men are looking for as Cindy does.

My response: If I ever had to date again, I might try this method. It sounds like a way to reduce a lot of the angst and pressure, particularly for Christian singles who are feeling anxious about marriage. I’m all for formulas, and this one almost makes dating sound fun and confidence-building and not like something I would maybe do as an alternative to getting my bunions shaved.

The takeaway for church folk: Not written from a Christian perspective – or any particular ideological or theological bent – but from a practical one. Cindy is concerned not with how we think men should be, but with how she has experienced them to be, which is why I think my husband had trouble relating to her portrayal of men. There are definitely Christian men who – like my husband was – are only looking to date one woman at a time with an eye towards marriage. The plan actually accommodates those men; it just instructs the woman to let the man initiate that discussion, not bring it up on her own.  (This aspect of the plan seems practical and smart and also kind of icky and disempowering, all at the same time. I’m not fond of it, but I can see why it might work.) Cindy also mentions that singles who are planning on abstinence til marriage can still use the plan. In fact, that person will have more space available on her grid for potential dates (because in Cindy’s schema, a sexual partner has a higher “value” and thus takes up more space).

Resources: You can go to Cindy’s website to find testimonials, blog posts, and (if you buy the book) a private Facebook group with 4MP coaches. Or join Vineyard One NYC on Sunday mornings at 10:30 am EST on Facebook Live to check out our sermon series, “Biblical Dating in the Digital Age: How Would Jesus Swipe.” (I’ll let you in on a little secret: The subtitle is a big misdirect. Jesus would totally be a Coffee Meets Bagel guy.)